sick and down

Dammit... I'm sick. =(

For the first time in the past six years, I've actually fallen sick so right now I'm feeling like crap and it's such a bitch.  Here I am, in bed with my laptop, blanket, electric heater, and sweats... oh, and meds + hot water in large amounts. w00t.  What a way to start winter break + start life as a second semester senior.  Just fucking awesome.

Meh... stuck with doing college apps + recovering + possibly skipping a party tomorrow [ :( ] and yeah... what a great way to sum up my break at the moment.

On a lighter note, playing football + SSBB + GH was fun at Alex's place with others.  A fairly good start to a fun break.

Here's to a fun recovery.

college

one week... 3 results.... billions of emotions all together.  It's been an emotional rollercoaster all the way.

Got into two of my safety schools, so i do have something to fall back on.  Waco, Texas or Champaign, Illinois? we'll see... oh well.

on the other hand, my #1 school didn't turn out as #1 as i had hoped for it to be :(

after stressing all of thursday till 2 pm, i logged on to brown.edu/admissions and clicked on the URLs to check what was the deal with Brown.  I saw it, and felt a knot in the back of my head.  Not cool at all... worst thing in a while.  

IDK how i pulled through most + some of it really... bouncing back to calc test, working on other HW + whatnot... it has been an interesting ride as far as i see when i look back.  but in it all, i don't think i could have done without some ppl:

SG: our escapade running around campus hunting for people aware of certain racial slurs plus our talks... helped recover from the knot in the back of the head and i felt a tad better, so thanks :)

AL: your little pep talk whilst u were stressing the day before your results came out (congrats btw and good luck as Wharton class of 13!)  it did help as well

Paul: thank you for "speaking words of wisdom" which "will be an answer" to me... as we "let it be." god bless you + the beatles for everything... that song has been my life for some time, getting me through it all.  its been my mantra for the last few days and whatnot. 

Seniors: these are the last finals which actually DO matter... lets just go out and kick ass on these ones.  Let's do this.

Shock

idk how to respond to it at all… it just seems so sudden.   all of a sudden, the rug you’re walking on is whisked away from under your feet and you’re left lying on the floor whilst looking up at the ceiling, trying to think about so many things at one time: how it happened… why it happened… why you didn’t see it coming… why you didn’t bother thinking about it as much as you should have.

it’s all just a whirlwind of madness which comes suddenly and disappears, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it no matter how hard you try to.

H: don’t worry much about it… shit happens.  and it’s not like you intended for it to go down like that.  i’ll pull through and learn how to play my cards right though it’ll be hard

A: it’s cool… i’ve been down the same path one time before, even though this one counts as a double-whammy. idk what exactly i’m gonna do, but i need to find a way to pull through and stay strong

V: it’s been interesting, like i told u last night.  even know, idk what to say or how to react… but i’ll try to play my cards right.  thanks for helping a tad, especially cuz it’s a similar situation u’ve been in at a similar time and u can understand it, so thanks

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Egg Drop Project

Here I am, trying to find legit BS to throw into my egg drop project's report.  I could be playing guitar or even better, finishing my college apps.  But instead, Jimbo found yet another way to annoy our insides and give us another project.  Which is annoying me... and I do not like it one bit.  

I really can't believe November is almost over... meaning December will start soon meaning only 33 days left until 09! =)

Until then, lets wait and let time pass...

Giving Thanks

I just wanna take this post and just give a big shoutout to some people.

Overall, a big thank you to EVERYBODY who has made these past four years of high school some of the best and most memorable years... be it teachers or friends or events or clubs or random people.  It's just been a fun ride and I hope the ride is even more fun when I hit college.

Even though I've been either swamped under work or stressed about random crap, I think having such awesome people to talk to or hang out with or last-minute kramfest with has been such a great time.  Volunteering + Journo + DECA + whatnot... all these activities have been a blast.  I just love it all - the people, the good times... just everything.  Had it not been for doing stuff like this, I think HS for me would have been pretty boring and drab.  

It's been four fun years since we got this show on the road... let's keep it going.

peace + love,

Kunal

System Overload

It's been a while since St. Louis... a fun trip even though we didn't get to spend that much time there but whatever... it's all good. I think it was fun: the Arch, the City Museum, and yes... our waiter John was hella legit. That guy owned at everything... I do not know where to begin. Spent good times with people I know and who I got to know... sneaking out at night was good too... if only we had hella people to do it with.

So here I am, trying to finish up college essays to send out within a day or two. I cannot believe its already near the end of November, which means Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Finals D: and Christmas aka vacation. It's just been passing like a blur that I have no effing idea how this all is going. Life is life, normal is staying normal, random crap is going down... yup. The usual.

I'm hella pumped for SNL! I get to do the "What is Love" skit :) I like it more because I'm doing it with one of my friends (another Roxbury buff) and because I think this is one of the most epic skits of all time. Hands down. Jan 23 and 24... here we come. Time to practice my head bobbing for the time being.

I think though, that I've learned to move on... whatever it may be. I think it's one of the hardest things we as people must learn, because if we continue to wallow in the past, it'll drag us down and we'll be out of the running. I think that I've benefited a lot from forcing myself to move on... regardless of what it is. I'll deal with the issue then and there, think about it for a day or so, then I'll be fine. Yeah, I've seen + had lots of crap happen but I'm stronger because I've learned to deal with it all and move on.

Meanwhile, I'm elevating + icing + ankle-bracing my foot after realizing that it's been killing me since yestereday. Oh well...

Numb

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.

 I've become so numb, so much more aware.

 By becoming this, all I want to do,

 Is be more like me, and be less like you."

"Numb"/ Linkin Park

It's pretty effing cold outside and inside.  That's why I'm here, with hiking socks, sweats, a sweater, an electric heater plugged in at 85 degrees, blanket wrapped around my legs, with hot chocolate.  As I'm sitting here like an Eskimo doing my homework, I began to think about people.  Their mannerisms... their behavior... the way they do come across to others.  

After doing USC essay brainstorming + brain spew for some time, it has been a thought on my mind.  I finally did decide that the people who I really hate is those who just seem so stone-faced + sullen towards you and make you feel bad for nothing.  

I was walking today after 5th period to get a form signed by JimBo when I encounter this so-said person.  This person and I were hella close friends as sophomores and juniors.  However, since the end of last year, we've kinda died.  Still, I try to be as civil as I can.    So as I see the person, I wave and I'm like "Hey [name]... how goes it?"  And so-said person gives me this blank look, looks at their shoes and walks off.

Okay... what really does get to me is the person.  I'm just trying to be moderately civil around here... the least you can do is stop being so bitchy and try responding or show some sign of life.  I too hate that person, but that's not stopping me from being normal and civil.  I'm not out their cursing out how much of a prick you were in my opinion.  Even though it was you who started that whole slew of shit going on, I still don't stop myself from talking to you.  I'm only making civil conversation.  The least YOU can do is play along.  

I was tempted to go up to the person and go "Hey... loosen up and smile a little.  It's a bright day and you have no excuse to be so bitter so chill out."  But in the end, I was like "Eh... fuck that shit!  I have better things to do than to waste time over that person's stupditiy."

I don't care anymore... but the lesson of the day is this: learn some element of social intelligence so you interact with all types of people.  You may be the smartest person in the world, having gone to all the Ivy Leagues and gotten hella degrees.  However, if you are flat out people stupid, just jump off of an effing rock.  Without social intelligence, you're just about as intelligent as a cabbage.

peace + <3,

Kunal

Election Hangover

For starters, i wanna give a shoutout to you all: thank you for making a dream into a reality last night.  OBAMA BECAME PRESIDENT!!! :)

Not only did he break racial barriers, but he also has set the future for the young voters to come in the years ahead.  Obama is a figure to be looked upon by everyone, for braving it out through out the last 18 months.  It's been a rough ride for all candidates, be it John Edwards, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Ralph Nader... hell... even McCain himself.  At the end, the best man won and that man will run the nation.  Now that you won Obama, I'll be waiting for your "Change" campaign.

It's transitioned from "Yes we can" to "Yes... we did" in terms of being able to choose a good candidate.  Now let's continue this streak as we can do and say this after we reform America and bring it back to the footing it has long missed these past eight years.

===================================================================

To John McCain... as much as I did not like you as a presidential hopeful, I must admit that you drove an equally strong and hard campaign, although I still hate Palin.  Seeing your speech yesterday was actually quite inspirational.  Not many people can recover and maintain their composure like you did.  You've got balls... and I salute you for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for America, be it serving as a soldier in Vietnam or serving in the Senate or running for the Presidency.

===================================================================

Now onto the not so bright side.  Proposition 8.  Yes... it passed.  This will ban gay marriage in California officially, thus adding on to the California Constitution. 

Okay, I am against gays.  100%.  I do not like them and I am quite homophobic.  HOWEVER, I am not in favor of Proposition 8's passage.  America claims to be a country of freedom and equality.  Why not allow people to marry the way they want to marry?  Also, where the hell does the government have the right to determine who marries who?  As much as I am against gays, I think Proposition 8 is considerably flawed for its baseless argument asides from "Protecting Marriage."  So what... people want to be gay.  What business is it of us to go in and say "lol... u can't be gay and get hitched.  u got served. gg" ?  Since when did the government care about marriage? Or for that matter, anything at all.

17 years come and gone

Today, I turn 17.

I really don't know what to think really.  It seems like one more year in the ledgerbook of my life, but it's been a really interesting + fun day all together.

Main highlights...

5:30 a.m. - woken up by parents and am given 3 things: 

A.  New Watch 

B. Card

C. Amazon.com receipt for the memory stick i've been vying for :)

at school, greeted by ppl during the whole day.  pretty good i'd say.

journo: balmeo and i concur on singing it Opera style and i get to kiss Zamboni.  I think this is in itself, a really cool + interesting experience + tradition.  I mean, come on... where in the world will I find such an amazing albeit odd opportunity in my entire life?

Calc test today... what a joke.  nothing else to say.

Thanks everyone for a fun birthday, along with the fact that its my last one in Cupertino D:

peace and <3,

Kunal

Sentimental Education

i can't believe i pulled off early apps on time.  being a procrastinor, i was ecstatic i finished apps on time.

i finished all but one of my essays.  so i got home at 3ish and fervently worked till 7, under the impression that apps were due Oct 31, 11:59:59 pm.  got it all edited, proofread by multiple ppl, went on the website, uploaded, and hit "Submit."  i was done... i was ecstatic.  later that night, i figured out they were due Nov 1, 9 pm.  i was kinda like "ehuhwhat?" when i heard it.  but it didn't matter.  i finished my apps on time and i could chill out for the rest of the weekend.

then, i went to alex's halloween party where we played GH and Brawl... the best way to cool down after high stress.  plus, got to talk to some other ppl so i got to chill and stuff.  hands down, a good time.  

walked back home with H, which was pretty fun + interesting.  we talked about random stuff, especially ppl in general.  no... not smack talking about specific ppl, but more like ppl as a whole in general.  and mainly, focused on relationship stuff and the female mind and hella psych stuff.   we talked about our experiences with girls and stuff, the peaks and pitfalls, etc...  how we liked certain girls who seemed good, and yet were the most superficial ppl in the whole world... the trail they led us on for us to lose their respect.  

then we talked about how it was actually a good experience helping ppl with their stuff, esp the venting part and how we had our own success stories with ppl who we helped.  i think we both agreed to continue this, even at college and shit.  like go, do our own thang + psych as part of major, then graduate and start something on the side.  cuz advising + counseling + psych can actually be really fun, as odd as it may sound.  the feeling of sitting with somebody... listening to them... feeling for them... helping them... its just an overall self-satisfying experience that u could do something for ppl.

i couldn't do challenge day this time cuz of other things i had.  but from what i've heard from ppl who went and did it this time, i'm glad that i've signed up for the one in March.  i think it'll be something i really will enjoy.

can't think of much to say rite now... only 8 hours and 45 minutes till i'm 17.

peace and love,

kunal

iFail

I think I should go and work for Apple after college.  Know why?  Because I could add to the "i" products like the iPhone and iPod and create the iFail.  I'd rake in so much $$ for Apple, being the head designer, head marketer, head engineer, everything... it'd be a combo job fit for me.

I failed tonight.  Major fail beyond any form of doubt.  Worse than anything I've ever experienced in my entire life.  I can't believe I didn't get it done tonight.

I had asked her to dance at HC, and she responded not now but later.  So I went back to my friends who were prying for info.  They took it as a good sign as did I.  So I went around and danced for some more time with other girls, hung out with friends, etc.  The last 10 minutes, I'm going to find her.  Trouble is, I cannot find her.  I scan the entirety of the gym and mosh-pit dance floor in the center of the gym.  I still fail.

As I walk out, my friends are like "Dude... She was outside with us.  We were waiting for you to come out and find her. " One of them forwent his own last dance to try and find me, since he knew where she was.  I was busy on a wild goose chase in the gym.  At the end of the dance,  I just sorta stormed out past her, half angry and half irritated with myself until I met my friends.

It soon occured to me... later = a nice way of saying "uh... no."  I can't believe I kept my hopes up after hearing this.  I was being an over-hopeful dick about something which most likely and eventually didn't get around happen.  Why didn't I see it coming when it was, for the most part, pretty damn obvious?  Why didn't I get any hints from behavior and mannerisms.

goddamit... w/e... subsequent parts to come in the next days.

where am i headed?

physics labs are a pain in the ass... no joke.  its not that i don't get the material, albeit i hate physics.  i just don't like the labs and the gajillion graphs and tables and worksheets that ensue.  it all piles up and just is a pain in the ass... all the way up. (TMI much?)  i'm only taking physics cuz i already did bio/chem AP last year and i didn't wanna do physio.  oh well... suck it up.

thus begins the mad dash till Early Apps are due... yeeeeeeeee :)

i have 15 fucking days, counting today, to finish 2 essays for brown.  

1) talk about a certain academic experience and how it has inspired u.

2) ur applying to PLME.  talk about how the program is good 4u and what classes u'll take.

k... here's my issue: idk what to write for #1.  i finally chose to write about DECA competitions and stuff.  ok... BrIlLiAnT :) except for one thing... idk how it really "inspired/influenced" me much.  i mean sure, i learned not to procrastinate and be a total dumbass (not!).  but i can't think of that inner meaning yet. now onto #2: i have ideas, just no structure.  its like asking an elephant to walk on a bed of twigs on his tiptoes.  he'll do it, but there's no guarantee what'll result of the glass.  its like turning on a car with everything running, except the parking brake is jammed so u can't move.  its like being superglued to a chair when u really need to use the bathroom.

today, one girl in journo had the school profile on her.  so i decided to take a look at class ranking brackets.  i looked at the brackets looking for my GPA till i scanned the third row from the top.  I mean, my grades aren't horribly shitty though they're not stellar, aka perfect 4.0.  its 2-3 B's per semester pretty much.  as i look at my GPA and my college list, i begin to freak out like hell.  where the hell WILL i land up?  it's at times like these i screwing around, playing games online or chatting or w/e.  but then again, its NOT only those things which play a role.  

Case In Point: last year, i ODed on hard classes and my GPA lept into a abyss and sank.  i was pissed at myself at my performance, but failed to see first that i might have ODed on classes.  2nd semester was smoother coastings, but i still had to work hard cuz i had hella stuff to worry about and still do.  i pulled everything up a notch except for 3 classes, which i maintained an ez A both semesters.  in retrospect, that was stupid on my part for wanting to do hella, but oh well.  

on the other hand, calc at WV is going quite well actually.  pretty damn easy i'd say... so :).  Also, journo + java + french + gov + eh... even lit are all doing pretty well.  physics... working on it so i can get an A at the end of the semester... i hope.  

meanwhile, back to that drasted lab... w/e... we'll see.

oh... and i need to finish the damn worksheet.  sonofabitch>>

college

i've had so much crap to do this and last week that its not even funny.  srsly... so much work from so many different things: JimBo's physics HW, Clarke Essay, journo articles... ugh.  it makes me sick to think of it, but oh well... at least its done (for now) !

today i had my SSR interview.  it went ok i guess.  such random questions... "what ru most proud of?  what do u want your professor to know about u?"  i understand like college is a big thing and schools don't know about me or any other student.  but the random questions... it all just really amuses/amazes me.  i think most of this crap is overrated for the most part.  

i think one person has given me an interesting/fun view on it: Greg. 

i was talking to him and his theory is this: we're worrying our asses off over our grades and SATs and essays. so the best way to eliminate the stress is to do this: screw college and don't bother applying.

i was first like "LOLLERSKATES greg!"  but then, i thought about it and it sorta started to make sense (i never thought i'd say this).  i mean, srsly... when u apply for a job, ppl will look at the school u went to and be like "oh... that's good" or "interesting".  but really, it doesn't matter where we go to College.  it's more important what we do with whatever we learn in college.  it seems like i'm speaking blasphemy, being an asian (indian) kid and not caring.

i care about where i do want to go, but its not like if i don't go to Berkeley or Harvard my life is gonna crash.  but srsly... college doesn't define who we are.  i have a few friends who went to UC davis and i know someone who went to USC.  two of the davis kids, just finishing their undergrad, got pretty good jobs in intel and apple.  the USC kid struggled to get out of undergrad.  it seems really obscure, but yeah... it does happen.  it doesn't matter that they didn't go to "good" places.  they made do with where they were and what they had and got somewhere good.  and the USC person? they're at Wisconsin State apparently, which sorta surprised me, but w/e.

meanwhile, i'll be stressing over my brown essays which are due in 22 days (thanks for reminders patricia)

Video

letting go...

follow up from yesterday's post (Life = Bitch)...

when i heard she liked someone, i was crestfallen.  like how could this have happened? what i had hoped for since end of junior year had nose-dived and crashed and i was losing her... for the 2nd time in my life.  why was this happening to me?

this reminds me of Kal Ho Naa Ho (an indian movie).  long story short: a man gives up his love for the happiness of the girl he likes. Go to Wikipedia to see about the movie OR watch it (trust me... this movie is not THAT sappy and is damn good + comes with subtitles).

my friend then, just 1/2 hour ago, told me something deep (can't say cuz i don't wanna, plus he won't like it either).  after thinking about it along with the whole light of things, i really have decided that it might be best to LET HER GO.

yeah... its killing me really badly.  and idk what'll become of me and her, mainly me though... cuz i've never been able to tell her the truth about my feelings for her.  but i need to let it all go cuz at the end of the day, i wanna see her happy.  big whoop, i don't get her as the girl.  but the main thing is this: far worse things can happen to someone... losing love isn't the worst; giving her up will be the toughest thing i'll have done till date (yes... harder than APs and other stuff).  but i need to do it for her sake... i don't wanna come between her and it all.  i <3>

you gotta take tough decisions, but in the end, they're usually worth it

P.S. if she's reading this, i just want her to know this: 

I love you 4ever, but i only wanna see u happy.  if i see that, then i think it'll be like being together with you.  Its hard for me, but I'm doing what I think is gonna be right for me and hopefully you too.  take care and stay happy... cuz i don't wanna see u sad no matter what.  don't let me see that... cuz it'll kill me.

Life = Bitch

I've been always trailing behind... especially with her.

idk why... its been like that. the second time now.

Her = girl i like btw

so Her friend and i were discussing HC like 15 min ago in general. then Her friend asks me if i wanna ask someone. i tell her "eh... im not sure." then Her friend tells me how HC is better to go stag and stuff. then she brings up how Her is going stag, though she likes some other dude

record scratch... SAY WHAT??? i can't believe this... really. i mean yeah, she did discuss him a bit as only a friend, which i know pretty damn well right now. then her friend asks me if i wanted to ask Her cuz this might have wrecked my "potential plans", and i tell Her friend no, thus lying to her. what the hell can i say? what the hell should i say?

I was in a similar slush last year... where I could have gotten her, but some bastard beat me to it. The thing is, either A. i'm too damn slow; or B. i'm too damn nervous; or even C. i have no damn clue what i need to do. since i've realized that i like her, i have to concentrate how to ask her. i mean yeah, we've been friends but it can be quite nerve wracking.

it really tears me up... not so much with the crying and shit... but more emotionally. idk how the heck . Both times i realized how much i love her, both times i've been beat out by someone else. i need to make her realize that i am THE one.

my life sucks.... its a bitch

Week 4 of Senior Year

So I've officially survived 4 weeks of senior year. WOOT!

I never thought that I would get this far fully intact and sane. But I did... and here I am.
These four weeks have been really interesting... and still, awesome.

But I think I've begun to look more deeply at things, like I think about them and try to understand something more about them.
Maybe... it's Lit AP practice with deriving meanings from bits of make-believe rubbish in a span of 25 minutes.
Maybe... its just me maturing and becoming a more intellectual and deep person.
Maybe... damn... can't think of anything else now.


WEEK 1: A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay) and into it all.
Waking up at 3 AM to secure Platt recs was hella fun. Normally, I'm not the guy who does something wild, different, or crazy. But it was awesome: walking around MV at 4 A.M... dragging random chairs outside... playing Big Two with friends... the whole thing was just "WOW... where else and when will I ever be able to do this again in my life?" Then the rush of classes came along and all was well. I had pretty good classes at good times with hella awesome ppl. There wasn't a class/teacher i didn't seem to like. Rally + dance were fun.

WEEK 2: Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
Thank GOD we had a three-day weekend or I would have DIED OF WORK! So it went really well with everything. The usual "Thursday Night Scramble" officially began. This is when teachers give lots of HW due on Friday or I've been procrastinating my ass off. This is the day I'll sleep at 2 AM and I invariably wake up at 7:10 AM, thus not showering and looking as pretty in the morning (i shower every single day in the morning though... and i shower at night on fridays then). um... nm happened so drastic. starting to help friends with counseling for relationships and love. we'll see how it pans out

WEEK 3: Under Pressure (Queen)
Ok... so its getting sorta intense... except not really. Apps are starting to pile up, but at least I got my recommendation letter packets in. I'm kinda scared for the whole college process in general for two main reasons: A. essays + apps overload; and B. transcript/grades. My grades aren't horribly shabby and shitty. But I am still a little worried... cuz my grades can go either way in my advantage or disadvantage. I think this is why I'm overloading on schools and stuff (26 Schools... yes I KNOW I'M KINDA OFF THE WALL AND CRAZY :|) but still... u gotta persist. Yesterday, my mom and dad were like "So Kunal... want to add any more schools to your list so far?" And I was like "I CAN'T ADD MORE SCHOOLS... I REALLY REALLY CAN'T cuz of LoR (letter of rec) shortage and spending way too much on apps and shit like that."

Had first Birdsong test... I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH RETARDED MISTAKES WHICH SUNK MY GRADE LIKE HELLA!!! Yeah, I do hate physics from the bottom of my heart, but I still want to keep my grades up . I attribute it all to the following: my stupidity, my carelessness, and uh... yeah... my stupidity! I need to be more damn watchful about wtf is going on.

WEEK 4: Stronger (Kanye West feat. Daft Punk)
"N-n-now that don't kill me, can only make me Stronger." This is how I've been living my life these past couple of days, in regards to like everything. Trying to cram so much in my 24 hours in each day is seeming impossible, albeit the different things I have around me.

- I just realized how much I love Journalism... the whole concept of everything. Late Nights FTW, the rush of work at once, begging Zamboni to speed up.

- LD season beginning =)... I've forgotten how to write a decent case and the tournament is Sept 27. GG Kunal... GG... way to excel with procrastination and related shit... u clearly haven't changed from 7th grade Journalism days.

- Increased counseling abilities... I'm helping more of my friends with their relationship questions and struggles. I should consider doing this full time for pay even though I wanna go into Med.

- College essays are piling on one another and stuff... and idk how i'm gonna get early apps in. Oh... i still need to quickly study for SAT 2 Chem. Gah... only 2 weeks left... idk how i'll do it.

Here's where my philosopher view on life finally kicks in:

It just makes me appreciate my life even more. I mean yeah, its not fun one bit and I feel like just dropping everything where it is and running off somewhere else. It sucks cuz of all the shit i need to deal with all at once. But hey... shit happens. I see it as a tough phase through which I will come out stronger. This is how junior year was for me until the middle of May. There are people out in the world who struggle with so much other more shit like this, like a disease they're gonna die of, or struggling for trying to barely survive and make ends meet. I see all this and I keep thinking to myself, "Kunal... the world can be worse... try to enjoy what's going on."

Since the start of the school year, I've tried to change my lifestyle a little bit and see what happens.
- I've begun to meditate every now and then. I feel a little more calm as a person, kinda like when I go about playing guitar on my bed. Just fixating your mind on something so serene and peaceful as the syllable " Om" or anything at all... it just pervades me with a sense of personal contentment and happiness.
- I decided in June to go vegetarian for the hell of it... to see how it felt to not eat meat of any type, including eggs. At first, I missed KFC and everything chicken related (that's all I would eat). But for the past 3 months, I seem to be a little more peaceful. I feel different, but I really can't describe it. As of now, I'll be veg. In the future, we'll see what happens... i have no idea how the future will pan out.
- I've begun more songwriting and music making, in terms of beats and lyrics and the whole shebang. It's really fun, sitting with my notepad, pencil, guitar, piano, and GarageBand uploaded. All I need is a mic, a Roland Synth, Marshall Amps, and AutoTune... and i'll become a one man band. I might as well buy all the instruments and wear them on me :)

But I think in the midst of everything, I've discovered one thing in the first month of the last year of High School. The secret to enjoying life is to be happy... regardless of what you do or what all happens around you. Remember... you only have one life. Its YOUR job to enjoy it and make the most of it, regardless of what comes your way. Time may pass, but memories will stay with you till the end.

Much love and peace,
Kunal

what is love...

`so now, i'm taking a break from gov AP and physics reading/HW combination with a splash of some college essays and a pinch of French verb studying (i think i might be screwed if i don't have much of a clue by tomorrow)... oh well, we'll see how's it going tomorrow (actually, now today!)

i think i'll go into a bit about relationships... so i haven't been in an actual relationship EVER, but i've seen a lot of relationships amongst my friends and have had my fair share of 'experiences', but nothing really much. yet, there was this one girl who i saw as the one. idk how much of what i thought is valid now, but yeah... i guess i'll share it cuz... yeah.

i'll name this girl Jane Doe for identity protection (note... if the real Jane Doe ever reads this, don't get pissed off... this is what I feel happened and my views on it. send me your opinion or views, but don't be hating or nothing cuz i'm not the only one to blame)

so i met Jane as a soph in my math class... apparently, a new student from ABC High (again, identity protection). my first reaction: didn't seem to like her so much, but was willing to see how stuff went down with simply knowing her. eventually, got around knowing her and whatnot. went to private school till 8th, went to ABC, then MV for soph year. after talking to her, Jane seemed like a nice person and we were friends for most of soph year. i like her as a friend cuz i thought she and i could talk to each other on the same level, cuz we had some similarities in interests and other stuff. could talk about most stuff, but yeah... was pretty chill. but as the year wound down, i began to like her as more than a friend... she was the first girl i had ever actually loved or even felt some actual emotional emotion towards.

summer: volunteered at diff shifts at the same place, but still kept in contact over summer and stuff. i began to think about her a little more and planned to do possibly ask her out to JP. not to mention, that she was pretty excited for JP already from like summer, so i thought of doing something along those lines

junior year: started out chill, like our normal selves... complaining and bitching to each other about our schedules, calc tests, frq kramfests, etc... the usual lives of juniors. as the year progressed, i had half the mind to tell her i liked her; however, i decided to hold it off for some time cuz of finals and SATs. winter break: thought about her a tad more, and thought about asking her to JP.

semester 2 begins: um... yeah, the usual crap going on in terms of school and learning and everything else; i tell her i've decided who to ask to JP, but i don't tell her and she doesn't bug me much about it. Feb Break: i decide to finally ask her out to JP. back to school, a few more weeks, and i do it. i was a little nervous about doing the whole thing, but i do it and i get a yes (one of the happiest moments of life, now not so much)! so i'm floating on cloud 9, but with some restraint cuz i still have work to do and same for her.

JP: seems like a fairly good day; come home from school, sleep, look good, go meet with our group. her mum seemed to somewhat tolerate/like me (the vibe i was getting), then we're off to dinner and JP. dinner and limo ride are good, JP not bad... except for the fact that i see her dancing with 2 other guys right after i had to make bathroom runs. of course, i'm initially pissed off, but i kinda let it slide and move on. but the night i get back from JP, i realize i'm actually in love with her, but i'm waiting for the right time. meanwhile in school, Jane and I are doing our own work and stressing over APs and finals (who isn't?) and she's still in the back of my mind. i don't really make any obvious signals, but i try to be a tad subtle about stuff with her.... idk if she ever noticed, but i subtly made my intentions clear.

then mid-may... my best friend tells me she was talking to Jane and Jane has a mystery AIM stalker. so later on AIM, i ask Jane what's going on.... until this point, its all good. then the strangest shit happens which fucked up all that could have ever been possible like EVER. apparently, she's under the impression i'm her secret admirer online and goes into a barrage of blatant accusations with giving me a moment to even defend myself. and even when i make some remote effort to defend myself, she crushes it w/o knowing that i didn't do it. even when i tried helping, her response: "what difference will it make? even if it is u, u won't admit and if it isn't, u won't be of much help." we had our rift and signed off.

back to school... i unfortunately have to see her afterwards in lit. i'm almost tempted to run in her face and scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH? how can u just fucking accuse me of doing some crazy-ass shit i have no clue about? just because u have a inkling that i like you and i am not saying anything, u think u can go about fucking around and going into a mad tirade and venting on me? JUST BECAUSE U THINK YOU'RE RIGHT when ur NOT?" i said nothing though and held my tongue, cuz i knew that if i started, it would get uglier than it should have and it would be bad for both of us and i didn't want it to blow out of proportion.

i talked to some of my closest friends about this, some of who were and still are friends with her. their reaction was common: "why the hell is she doing this shit? she seems pretty fucking paranoid." their question was mine... eventually, Jane and I somewhat left this hanging with the mutual understanding that it was cleared up.

BUT...
it wasn't as good as it seemed... even when i tried to strike up just casual conversation on FB or even AIM, she would be very curt and rude about it, not willing to talk much as if i was responsible for something i had done and i had the audacity to even show my face in front of her, let alone even talk to her. still, i persisted to try to shine some light on this darkness.

start of school: having to deal with her in another of my classes... but its ok. she has someone she can yack her head off to and same with me. again, i try to strike up conversation online, merely asking how she's coping with an injury she recently had. her response: "i don't need u to tell me something i already know... what's with you?" this time, i couldn't hold my tongue: "wtf is wrong with you? i'm just trying to be polite and whatnot... u have no right whatsoever to snub me or anything, cuz i'm not dissing you. i'm just seeing how ur faring and all... when will u learn to have some element of social/civic sense in your sad and lonely life?" then i signed off, content with my response, yet slightly saddened.

friday: school dance... so i have the pleasure of seeing her wonderful face there as well, though i never talk to her. but her bitchiness is what really surprises me... as my friend and i are walking looking for girls to dance with, she comes out of the blue to me and my friend, and drags my friend off to dance with her. so i'm like "uh... wtf?" and i walk off, finding someone else close by to dance with. it gets to the point that every time i see her, she conveniently is dancing with someone else, as if to bite back at me for what happened at JP (so i interpret). so i think "hell... two can play at that game" and i do the same. every time she sees me dancing with another girl, she gives me this really weird look to which i respond back with an annoyed/nonplus look.

moving on from the dance... back to what really ticked me off about her.

so until 6 hours ago, i just think that Jane and I were never meant to be... until my best friend and i are talking about how her ex is calling her and thinks she still loves him even though she has ALREADY moved on after he dumped her while cheating on her with her close friend (long story short, he dumped her but she recovered to own him eventually) somehow, we rope in Jane and how she was running off with her friends when the purpose of JP is to spend time with someone u like, either as a friend OR as a significant other. from this, my best friend tells me something very odd she heard as a rumor, but which may be actually true: Jane only wanted to go with a guy to JP to just get a free ticket in.

suddenly... it all came back to me! her behavior right b4 JP, during JP after photos, even afterwards and what not. as if by magic, everything came back to me ever so clearly and this rumor seemed to fit in to what was going on in the whole scope of things.

lemme clear things up here... i sorta did like her around JP timeframe and also afterwards, but i wasn't like "head over heels" for her... she was a fairly ok girl... simple, but good. i knew that she and I were going as friends to JP, but there were two things which really angered me the most:

1. she lacked any sort of respect for me and herself . yeah, we weren't gonna be going out, but at least show some respect with the guy you're going with. else, it looks like you're whoring yourself out to guys and it seems like u + morality have no possible connections (so much for being a recently baptized christian)
2. she was horribly cruel in every way possible! i mean, come on... who plays with someone's emotions like so, and behaves as if i should be feeling guilty for something i haven't even done wrong... for Christ's sake (sorry Jane if i seem to be taking God's name in vain, but hey... u had it coming), u claim to be and portray a very polite and sweet image... try not to be so... (what's the word?) oh yeah... STUPID about it. u can just straightfaced tell me "sorry... i don't really like u for anything more than a friend and i don't want to go to JP with you" instead, she put me through so much emotional shit that I felt i was sinking. (luckily, i took up songwriting and found an avenue to pour out my immense unhappiness of the situation around me back in May)

after all this, i've finally decided the following:

• severe all sorts of ties with Jane, cuz it'll be bad for me to even think about her
• avoid her as much as possible, cuz i might do or say something i'll eventually regret (for its morality and properness)
• make her feel responsible for what she did to me in anyway possible, cuz i can't live with this false regret inside me.

from all this shit between me and Jane, i've seen one thing: first appearances aren't necessary the most precise. to know if the apple is good or bad, u unfortunately need to put yourself through the ordeal of cutting open the apple in order to see if it has worms or not.

so i'll leave y'all with one thing: be VERY CAREFUL about your emotions, cuz u really don't have a damn clue what life can do to you. it'll seem all hunky-dory and everything, but underneath the surface of the placid pond is a not-so-calm cyclone, waiting to wreak havoc with no regrets.

oh... and Jane (i think u know who ur by now... this much i'll be willing to guarantee), try to be a little more forthcoming about your emotions rather than vent them at someone else. it'll seem like the final solution to your problems in the short term. but in terms of long-term solutions, this doesn't and will unfortunately do nothing in fixing or working on your own imperfections and insecurities. sure, i'm an imperfect s.o.b., but the fact of the matter is: i really am ok with admitting my follies. stay happy and learn to chill out along with respecting ppl's emotions.

God bless, and good luck in your life "jane"... lets hope it turns out to be a happy and good one!

First Post... :D

ok... so i was bored today morning @ 1 am so i decided to go ahead and make a blog where i can freely rant about all the random crap in the world for like forever... and yeah. there you have it

um... Senior Year.
yeah... its fun to yell in everyone else's faces "OO AH... YOU WISH YOU WERE A SENIOR!!!" during rallies and feel sorta godly. but its not as easy as it really seems.... scratch that last bit. it all depends on your schedule and course load. at least mine is considerably lighter than my junior year schedule which was the following: APUSH, AP Bio, AP Chem, AP Calc BC, French 4 Honors, Brit Lit, Int'l Business

• APUSH - EZ cuz of platt
• AP Bio - ... lets not go there for reasons unexplainable *cough* fallon *cough*
• AP Chem - Gupta was/is awesome
• Calc - lol... deruiter is a baller (and so was 6th period)
• French - good for obvious reasons (i <3>
• Brit - good class except for imposed Falsetto singing for Bohemian Rhapsody.... damn- i still can't believe i did that shit
• Int'l- joke

Now my schedule = AP French, AP Lit, AP Gov/AP Econ, Physics Honors, Journo, Java

• AP French- a good class but hard work necessary ><
• AP Lit- thank god Clarke over Javier... but i've forgotten how to right reeznablee good
• AP Gov- Recktenwald is good, IDK about AP Econ
• Physics Honors- asides from anal notebook requirements, good class with funny jokes
• Jounro- seemingly fun (idk much cuz i was a loser and missed camp)
• Java- DeRuiter again... but i HATE ALL COMP SCI!!!

yeah... it seems like i have a similar courseload, but trust me... last year was hell on a stick :D anyways... moving on from courseload and all that other crap....

Senior year isn't as simple as it seems: COLLEGE APPS :]
the apps are BS and so damn easy... its the essay that are being all bitchy on me and adding up. its not like i can't write... its just that there's so much crap to write for each school cuz they're, for some odd reason, hella anal about wtf is going on. i mean come on... u guys need to fricking understand the fact that for seniors, from day 1 of school, GRADUATION, LIBERATION, VACATION, AND LONG-TERM EDUCATION (a.k.a. college) are in the minds of seniors (in that order) so they really don't give a shit what's going on around them (hey... these 4 caps words actually rhyme :P)

just uh... yeah. take a tough load, but don't overdo everything in life: that's the advice i give to new sophs and juniors. cuz it can seem like hell.
and it will TrAnSfOrM into hell on earth.
and it will be tough
and you will curse everyone out
and you'll be freaked out
and you'll be emoish (hopefully not)
and blah blah blah (come on guys... ur expecting me to go on? there are too many damn emotions running around in the world around us.

anyways, i'm starting to feel sleepy and i'll guess up at around... 8-9? then work on random crap, and other school work, die of boredom in stanford volunteering, come home to die and sleep and work and go online again.

ttfn