The Chronicles of Whole Dried Blueberries
12 years ago
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
letting go...
follow up from yesterday's post (Life = Bitch)...
when i heard she liked someone, i was crestfallen. like how could this have happened? what i had hoped for since end of junior year had nose-dived and crashed and i was losing her... for the 2nd time in my life. why was this happening to me?
this reminds me of Kal Ho Naa Ho (an indian movie). long story short: a man gives up his love for the happiness of the girl he likes. Go to Wikipedia to see about the movie OR watch it (trust me... this movie is not THAT sappy and is damn good + comes with subtitles).
my friend then, just 1/2 hour ago, told me something deep (can't say cuz i don't wanna, plus he won't like it either). after thinking about it along with the whole light of things, i really have decided that it might be best to LET HER GO.
yeah... its killing me really badly. and idk what'll become of me and her, mainly me though... cuz i've never been able to tell her the truth about my feelings for her. but i need to let it all go cuz at the end of the day, i wanna see her happy. big whoop, i don't get her as the girl. but the main thing is this: far worse things can happen to someone... losing love isn't the worst; giving her up will be the toughest thing i'll have done till date (yes... harder than APs and other stuff). but i need to do it for her sake... i don't wanna come between her and it all. i <3>
you gotta take tough decisions, but in the end, they're usually worth it
P.S. if she's reading this, i just want her to know this:
I love you 4ever, but i only wanna see u happy. if i see that, then i think it'll be like being together with you. Its hard for me, but I'm doing what I think is gonna be right for me and hopefully you too. take care and stay happy... cuz i don't wanna see u sad no matter what. don't let me see that... cuz it'll kill me.
Life = Bitch
I've been always trailing behind... especially with her.
idk why... its been like that. the second time now.
Her = girl i like btw
so Her friend and i were discussing HC like 15 min ago in general. then Her friend asks me if i wanna ask someone. i tell her "eh... im not sure." then Her friend tells me how HC is better to go stag and stuff. then she brings up how Her is going stag, though she likes some other dude
record scratch... SAY WHAT??? i can't believe this... really. i mean yeah, she did discuss him a bit as only a friend, which i know pretty damn well right now. then her friend asks me if i wanted to ask Her cuz this might have wrecked my "potential plans", and i tell Her friend no, thus lying to her. what the hell can i say? what the hell should i say?
I was in a similar slush last year... where I could have gotten her, but some bastard beat me to it. The thing is, either A. i'm too damn slow; or B. i'm too damn nervous; or even C. i have no damn clue what i need to do. since i've realized that i like her, i have to concentrate how to ask her. i mean yeah, we've been friends but it can be quite nerve wracking.
it really tears me up... not so much with the crying and shit... but more emotionally. idk how the heck . Both times i realized how much i love her, both times i've been beat out by someone else. i need to make her realize that i am THE one.
my life sucks.... its a bitch
idk why... its been like that. the second time now.
Her = girl i like btw
so Her friend and i were discussing HC like 15 min ago in general. then Her friend asks me if i wanna ask someone. i tell her "eh... im not sure." then Her friend tells me how HC is better to go stag and stuff. then she brings up how Her is going stag, though she likes some other dude
record scratch... SAY WHAT??? i can't believe this... really. i mean yeah, she did discuss him a bit as only a friend, which i know pretty damn well right now. then her friend asks me if i wanted to ask Her cuz this might have wrecked my "potential plans", and i tell Her friend no, thus lying to her. what the hell can i say? what the hell should i say?
I was in a similar slush last year... where I could have gotten her, but some bastard beat me to it. The thing is, either A. i'm too damn slow; or B. i'm too damn nervous; or even C. i have no damn clue what i need to do. since i've realized that i like her, i have to concentrate how to ask her. i mean yeah, we've been friends but it can be quite nerve wracking.
it really tears me up... not so much with the crying and shit... but more emotionally. idk how the heck . Both times i realized how much i love her, both times i've been beat out by someone else. i need to make her realize that i am THE one.
my life sucks.... its a bitch
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Week 4 of Senior Year
So I've officially survived 4 weeks of senior year. WOOT!
I never thought that I would get this far fully intact and sane. But I did... and here I am.
These four weeks have been really interesting... and still, awesome.
But I think I've begun to look more deeply at things, like I think about them and try to understand something more about them.
Maybe... it's Lit AP practice with deriving meanings from bits of make-believe rubbish in a span of 25 minutes.
Maybe... its just me maturing and becoming a more intellectual and deep person.
Maybe... damn... can't think of anything else now.
WEEK 1: A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay) and into it all.
Waking up at 3 AM to secure Platt recs was hella fun. Normally, I'm not the guy who does something wild, different, or crazy. But it was awesome: walking around MV at 4 A.M... dragging random chairs outside... playing Big Two with friends... the whole thing was just "WOW... where else and when will I ever be able to do this again in my life?" Then the rush of classes came along and all was well. I had pretty good classes at good times with hella awesome ppl. There wasn't a class/teacher i didn't seem to like. Rally + dance were fun.
WEEK 2: Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
Thank GOD we had a three-day weekend or I would have DIED OF WORK! So it went really well with everything. The usual "Thursday Night Scramble" officially began. This is when teachers give lots of HW due on Friday or I've been procrastinating my ass off. This is the day I'll sleep at 2 AM and I invariably wake up at 7:10 AM, thus not showering and looking as pretty in the morning (i shower every single day in the morning though... and i shower at night on fridays then). um... nm happened so drastic. starting to help friends with counseling for relationships and love. we'll see how it pans out
WEEK 3: Under Pressure (Queen)
Ok... so its getting sorta intense... except not really. Apps are starting to pile up, but at least I got my recommendation letter packets in. I'm kinda scared for the whole college process in general for two main reasons: A. essays + apps overload; and B. transcript/grades. My grades aren't horribly shabby and shitty. But I am still a little worried... cuz my grades can go either way in my advantage or disadvantage. I think this is why I'm overloading on schools and stuff (26 Schools... yes I KNOW I'M KINDA OFF THE WALL AND CRAZY :|) but still... u gotta persist. Yesterday, my mom and dad were like "So Kunal... want to add any more schools to your list so far?" And I was like "I CAN'T ADD MORE SCHOOLS... I REALLY REALLY CAN'T cuz of LoR (letter of rec) shortage and spending way too much on apps and shit like that."
Had first Birdsong test... I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH RETARDED MISTAKES WHICH SUNK MY GRADE LIKE HELLA!!! Yeah, I do hate physics from the bottom of my heart, but I still want to keep my grades up . I attribute it all to the following: my stupidity, my carelessness, and uh... yeah... my stupidity! I need to be more damn watchful about wtf is going on.
WEEK 4: Stronger (Kanye West feat. Daft Punk)
"N-n-now that don't kill me, can only make me Stronger." This is how I've been living my life these past couple of days, in regards to like everything. Trying to cram so much in my 24 hours in each day is seeming impossible, albeit the different things I have around me.
- I just realized how much I love Journalism... the whole concept of everything. Late Nights FTW, the rush of work at once, begging Zamboni to speed up.
- LD season beginning =)... I've forgotten how to write a decent case and the tournament is Sept 27. GG Kunal... GG... way to excel with procrastination and related shit... u clearly haven't changed from 7th grade Journalism days.
- Increased counseling abilities... I'm helping more of my friends with their relationship questions and struggles. I should consider doing this full time for pay even though I wanna go into Med.
- College essays are piling on one another and stuff... and idk how i'm gonna get early apps in. Oh... i still need to quickly study for SAT 2 Chem. Gah... only 2 weeks left... idk how i'll do it.
Here's where my philosopher view on life finally kicks in:
It just makes me appreciate my life even more. I mean yeah, its not fun one bit and I feel like just dropping everything where it is and running off somewhere else. It sucks cuz of all the shit i need to deal with all at once. But hey... shit happens. I see it as a tough phase through which I will come out stronger. This is how junior year was for me until the middle of May. There are people out in the world who struggle with so much other more shit like this, like a disease they're gonna die of, or struggling for trying to barely survive and make ends meet. I see all this and I keep thinking to myself, "Kunal... the world can be worse... try to enjoy what's going on."
Since the start of the school year, I've tried to change my lifestyle a little bit and see what happens.
- I've begun to meditate every now and then. I feel a little more calm as a person, kinda like when I go about playing guitar on my bed. Just fixating your mind on something so serene and peaceful as the syllable " Om" or anything at all... it just pervades me with a sense of personal contentment and happiness.
- I decided in June to go vegetarian for the hell of it... to see how it felt to not eat meat of any type, including eggs. At first, I missed KFC and everything chicken related (that's all I would eat). But for the past 3 months, I seem to be a little more peaceful. I feel different, but I really can't describe it. As of now, I'll be veg. In the future, we'll see what happens... i have no idea how the future will pan out.
- I've begun more songwriting and music making, in terms of beats and lyrics and the whole shebang. It's really fun, sitting with my notepad, pencil, guitar, piano, and GarageBand uploaded. All I need is a mic, a Roland Synth, Marshall Amps, and AutoTune... and i'll become a one man band. I might as well buy all the instruments and wear them on me :)
But I think in the midst of everything, I've discovered one thing in the first month of the last year of High School. The secret to enjoying life is to be happy... regardless of what you do or what all happens around you. Remember... you only have one life. Its YOUR job to enjoy it and make the most of it, regardless of what comes your way. Time may pass, but memories will stay with you till the end.
Much love and peace,
Kunal
I never thought that I would get this far fully intact and sane. But I did... and here I am.
These four weeks have been really interesting... and still, awesome.
But I think I've begun to look more deeply at things, like I think about them and try to understand something more about them.
Maybe... it's Lit AP practice with deriving meanings from bits of make-believe rubbish in a span of 25 minutes.
Maybe... its just me maturing and becoming a more intellectual and deep person.
Maybe... damn... can't think of anything else now.
WEEK 1: A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay) and into it all.
Waking up at 3 AM to secure Platt recs was hella fun. Normally, I'm not the guy who does something wild, different, or crazy. But it was awesome: walking around MV at 4 A.M... dragging random chairs outside... playing Big Two with friends... the whole thing was just "WOW... where else and when will I ever be able to do this again in my life?" Then the rush of classes came along and all was well. I had pretty good classes at good times with hella awesome ppl. There wasn't a class/teacher i didn't seem to like. Rally + dance were fun.
WEEK 2: Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
Thank GOD we had a three-day weekend or I would have DIED OF WORK! So it went really well with everything. The usual "Thursday Night Scramble" officially began. This is when teachers give lots of HW due on Friday or I've been procrastinating my ass off. This is the day I'll sleep at 2 AM and I invariably wake up at 7:10 AM, thus not showering and looking as pretty in the morning (i shower every single day in the morning though... and i shower at night on fridays then). um... nm happened so drastic. starting to help friends with counseling for relationships and love. we'll see how it pans out
WEEK 3: Under Pressure (Queen)
Ok... so its getting sorta intense... except not really. Apps are starting to pile up, but at least I got my recommendation letter packets in. I'm kinda scared for the whole college process in general for two main reasons: A. essays + apps overload; and B. transcript/grades. My grades aren't horribly shabby and shitty. But I am still a little worried... cuz my grades can go either way in my advantage or disadvantage. I think this is why I'm overloading on schools and stuff (26 Schools... yes I KNOW I'M KINDA OFF THE WALL AND CRAZY :|) but still... u gotta persist. Yesterday, my mom and dad were like "So Kunal... want to add any more schools to your list so far?" And I was like "I CAN'T ADD MORE SCHOOLS... I REALLY REALLY CAN'T cuz of LoR (letter of rec) shortage and spending way too much on apps and shit like that."
Had first Birdsong test... I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH RETARDED MISTAKES WHICH SUNK MY GRADE LIKE HELLA!!! Yeah, I do hate physics from the bottom of my heart, but I still want to keep my grades up . I attribute it all to the following: my stupidity, my carelessness, and uh... yeah... my stupidity! I need to be more damn watchful about wtf is going on.
WEEK 4: Stronger (Kanye West feat. Daft Punk)
"N-n-now that don't kill me, can only make me Stronger." This is how I've been living my life these past couple of days, in regards to like everything. Trying to cram so much in my 24 hours in each day is seeming impossible, albeit the different things I have around me.
- I just realized how much I love Journalism... the whole concept of everything. Late Nights FTW, the rush of work at once, begging Zamboni to speed up.
- LD season beginning =)... I've forgotten how to write a decent case and the tournament is Sept 27. GG Kunal... GG... way to excel with procrastination and related shit... u clearly haven't changed from 7th grade Journalism days.
- Increased counseling abilities... I'm helping more of my friends with their relationship questions and struggles. I should consider doing this full time for pay even though I wanna go into Med.
- College essays are piling on one another and stuff... and idk how i'm gonna get early apps in. Oh... i still need to quickly study for SAT 2 Chem. Gah... only 2 weeks left... idk how i'll do it.
Here's where my philosopher view on life finally kicks in:
It just makes me appreciate my life even more. I mean yeah, its not fun one bit and I feel like just dropping everything where it is and running off somewhere else. It sucks cuz of all the shit i need to deal with all at once. But hey... shit happens. I see it as a tough phase through which I will come out stronger. This is how junior year was for me until the middle of May. There are people out in the world who struggle with so much other more shit like this, like a disease they're gonna die of, or struggling for trying to barely survive and make ends meet. I see all this and I keep thinking to myself, "Kunal... the world can be worse... try to enjoy what's going on."
Since the start of the school year, I've tried to change my lifestyle a little bit and see what happens.
- I've begun to meditate every now and then. I feel a little more calm as a person, kinda like when I go about playing guitar on my bed. Just fixating your mind on something so serene and peaceful as the syllable " Om" or anything at all... it just pervades me with a sense of personal contentment and happiness.
- I decided in June to go vegetarian for the hell of it... to see how it felt to not eat meat of any type, including eggs. At first, I missed KFC and everything chicken related (that's all I would eat). But for the past 3 months, I seem to be a little more peaceful. I feel different, but I really can't describe it. As of now, I'll be veg. In the future, we'll see what happens... i have no idea how the future will pan out.
- I've begun more songwriting and music making, in terms of beats and lyrics and the whole shebang. It's really fun, sitting with my notepad, pencil, guitar, piano, and GarageBand uploaded. All I need is a mic, a Roland Synth, Marshall Amps, and AutoTune... and i'll become a one man band. I might as well buy all the instruments and wear them on me :)
But I think in the midst of everything, I've discovered one thing in the first month of the last year of High School. The secret to enjoying life is to be happy... regardless of what you do or what all happens around you. Remember... you only have one life. Its YOUR job to enjoy it and make the most of it, regardless of what comes your way. Time may pass, but memories will stay with you till the end.
Much love and peace,
Kunal
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