i think i'll go into a bit about relationships... so i haven't been in an actual relationship EVER, but i've seen a lot of relationships amongst my friends and have had my fair share of 'experiences', but nothing really much. yet, there was this one girl who i saw as the one. idk how much of what i thought is valid now, but yeah... i guess i'll share it cuz... yeah.
i'll name this girl Jane Doe for identity protection (note... if the real Jane Doe ever reads this, don't get pissed off... this is what I feel happened and my views on it. send me your opinion or views, but don't be hating or nothing cuz i'm not the only one to blame)
so i met Jane as a soph in my math class... apparently, a new student from ABC High (again, identity protection). my first reaction: didn't seem to like her so much, but was willing to see how stuff went down with simply knowing her. eventually, got around knowing her and whatnot. went to private school till 8th, went to ABC, then MV for soph year. after talking to her, Jane seemed like a nice person and we were friends for most of soph year. i like her as a friend cuz i thought she and i could talk to each other on the same level, cuz we had some similarities in interests and other stuff. could talk about most stuff, but yeah... was pretty chill. but as the year wound down, i began to like her as more than a friend... she was the first girl i had ever actually loved or even felt some actual emotional emotion towards.
summer: volunteered at diff shifts at the same place, but still kept in contact over summer and stuff. i began to think about her a little more and planned to do possibly ask her out to JP. not to mention, that she was pretty excited for JP already from like summer, so i thought of doing something along those lines
junior year: started out chill, like our normal selves... complaining and bitching to each other about our schedules, calc tests, frq kramfests, etc... the usual lives of juniors. as the year progressed, i had half the mind to tell her i liked her; however, i decided to hold it off for some time cuz of finals and SATs. winter break: thought about her a tad more, and thought about asking her to JP.
semester 2 begins: um... yeah, the usual crap going on in terms of school and learning and everything else; i tell her i've decided who to ask to JP, but i don't tell her and she doesn't bug me much about it. Feb Break: i decide to finally ask her out to JP. back to school, a few more weeks, and i do it. i was a little nervous about doing the whole thing, but i do it and i get a yes (one of the happiest moments of life, now not so much)! so i'm floating on cloud 9, but with some restraint cuz i still have work to do and same for her.
JP: seems like a fairly good day; come home from school, sleep, look good, go meet with our group. her mum seemed to somewhat tolerate/like me (the vibe i was getting), then we're off to dinner and JP. dinner and limo ride are good, JP not bad... except for the fact that i see her dancing with 2 other guys right after i had to make bathroom runs. of course, i'm initially pissed off, but i kinda let it slide and move on. but the night i get back from JP, i realize i'm actually in love with her, but i'm waiting for the right time. meanwhile in school, Jane and I are doing our own work and stressing over APs and finals (who isn't?) and she's still in the back of my mind. i don't really make any obvious signals, but i try to be a tad subtle about stuff with her.... idk if she ever noticed, but i subtly made my intentions clear.
then mid-may... my best friend tells me she was talking to Jane and Jane has a mystery AIM stalker. so later on AIM, i ask Jane what's going on.... until this point, its all good. then the strangest shit happens which fucked up all that could have ever been possible like EVER. apparently, she's under the impression i'm her secret admirer online and goes into a barrage of blatant accusations with giving me a moment to even defend myself. and even when i make some remote effort to defend myself, she crushes it w/o knowing that i didn't do it. even when i tried helping, her response: "what difference will it make? even if it is u, u won't admit and if it isn't, u won't be of much help." we had our rift and signed off.
back to school... i unfortunately have to see her afterwards in lit. i'm almost tempted to run in her face and scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH? how can u just fucking accuse me of doing some crazy-ass shit i have no clue about? just because u have a inkling that i like you and i am not saying anything, u think u can go about fucking around and going into a mad tirade and venting on me? JUST BECAUSE U THINK YOU'RE RIGHT when ur NOT?" i said nothing though and held my tongue, cuz i knew that if i started, it would get uglier than it should have and it would be bad for both of us and i didn't want it to blow out of proportion.
i talked to some of my closest friends about this, some of who were and still are friends with her. their reaction was common: "why the hell is she doing this shit? she seems pretty fucking paranoid." their question was mine... eventually, Jane and I somewhat left this hanging with the mutual understanding that it was cleared up.
BUT...
it wasn't as good as it seemed... even when i tried to strike up just casual conversation on FB or even AIM, she would be very curt and rude about it, not willing to talk much as if i was responsible for something i had done and i had the audacity to even show my face in front of her, let alone even talk to her. still, i persisted to try to shine some light on this darkness.
start of school: having to deal with her in another of my classes... but its ok. she has someone she can yack her head off to and same with me. again, i try to strike up conversation online, merely asking how she's coping with an injury she recently had. her response: "i don't need u to tell me something i already know... what's with you?" this time, i couldn't hold my tongue: "wtf is wrong with you? i'm just trying to be polite and whatnot... u have no right whatsoever to snub me or anything, cuz i'm not dissing you. i'm just seeing how ur faring and all... when will u learn to have some element of social/civic sense in your sad and lonely life?" then i signed off, content with my response, yet slightly saddened.
friday: school dance... so i have the pleasure of seeing her wonderful face there as well, though i never talk to her. but her bitchiness is what really surprises me... as my friend and i are walking looking for girls to dance with, she comes out of the blue to me and my friend, and drags my friend off to dance with her. so i'm like "uh... wtf?" and i walk off, finding someone else close by to dance with. it gets to the point that every time i see her, she conveniently is dancing with someone else, as if to bite back at me for what happened at JP (so i interpret). so i think "hell... two can play at that game" and i do the same. every time she sees me dancing with another girl, she gives me this really weird look to which i respond back with an annoyed/nonplus look.
moving on from the dance... back to what really ticked me off about her.
so until 6 hours ago, i just think that Jane and I were never meant to be... until my best friend and i are talking about how her ex is calling her and thinks she still loves him even though she has ALREADY moved on after he dumped her while cheating on her with her close friend (long story short, he dumped her but she recovered to own him eventually) somehow, we rope in Jane and how she was running off with her friends when the purpose of JP is to spend time with someone u like, either as a friend OR as a significant other. from this, my best friend tells me something very odd she heard as a rumor, but which may be actually true: Jane only wanted to go with a guy to JP to just get a free ticket in.
suddenly... it all came back to me! her behavior right b4 JP, during JP after photos, even afterwards and what not. as if by magic, everything came back to me ever so clearly and this rumor seemed to fit in to what was going on in the whole scope of things.
lemme clear things up here... i sorta did like her around JP timeframe and also afterwards, but i wasn't like "head over heels" for her... she was a fairly ok girl... simple, but good. i knew that she and I were going as friends to JP, but there were two things which really angered me the most:
- she lacked any sort of respect for me and herself . yeah, we weren't gonna be going out, but at least show some respect with the guy you're going with. else, it looks like you're whoring yourself out to guys and it seems like u + morality have no possible connections (so much for being a recently baptized christian)
- she was horribly cruel in every way possible! i mean, come on... who plays with someone's emotions like so, and behaves as if i should be feeling guilty for something i haven't even done wrong... for Christ's sake (sorry Jane if i seem to be taking God's name in vain, but hey... u had it coming), u claim to be and portray a very polite and sweet image... try not to be so... (what's the word?) oh yeah... STUPID about it. u can just straightfaced tell me "sorry... i don't really like u for anything more than a friend and i don't want to go to JP with you" instead, she put me through so much emotional shit that I felt i was sinking. (luckily, i took up songwriting and found an avenue to pour out my immense unhappiness of the situation around me back in May)
- severe all sorts of ties with Jane, cuz it'll be bad for me to even think about her
- avoid her as much as possible, cuz i might do or say something i'll eventually regret (for its morality and properness)
- make her feel responsible for what she did to me in anyway possible, cuz i can't live with this false regret inside me.
so i'll leave y'all with one thing: be VERY CAREFUL about your emotions, cuz u really don't have a damn clue what life can do to you. it'll seem all hunky-dory and everything, but underneath the surface of the placid pond is a not-so-calm cyclone, waiting to wreak havoc with no regrets.
oh... and Jane (i think u know who ur by now... this much i'll be willing to guarantee), try to be a little more forthcoming about your emotions rather than vent them at someone else. it'll seem like the final solution to your problems in the short term. but in terms of long-term solutions, this doesn't and will unfortunately do nothing in fixing or working on your own imperfections and insecurities. sure, i'm an imperfect s.o.b., but the fact of the matter is: i really am ok with admitting my follies. stay happy and learn to chill out along with respecting ppl's emotions.
God bless, and good luck in your life "jane"... lets hope it turns out to be a happy and good one!
